Pixelrage.net

This is the line that pops into my head every time I read a “Dear Friend” email, a two-mile long squeeze page with fake testimonials and thumbnails of random humans (welcome to 2005, nobody falls for that anymore), a forum signature or post talking about some method that made you money (if it made you money, you sure as hell wouldn’t be seeking new competitors). It’s the endless, vicious cycle that never ends. Snake-oil selling newbs, marketers who need to repeat 3rd grade English class, and affiliate links – oh my!

There’s no better way to do this but to break down the morons and methods I hate the most.

Scenario #1: The Overly Personal Marketer

You’ve seen the “Dear Friend” tactic. It’s one of two things: either someone who thinks this “personal touch” puts you at ease and makes you think “this guy is great! I can totally trust what he’s about to say,” or, the person is from some article-writing mill in a 3rd world country, typing out emails as they’re also creating fake dating profiles and scamming middle-aged bald men into sending a Western Union for a mail-order bride. When someone calls me “friend,” I immediately think they’re going to offer to transfer me $10 million from some north African bank account. If you’re going to get personal, be real. Nobody trusts you, and everyone pretty much knows what an affiliate link is. Thanks for the bit.ly link, but I’ll pass.

Secondly, and I don’t mean to be offensive, but…if you can’t speak or write English on an advanced and professional level, I’m not going to trust you. If you can’t distinguish between “you’re” and “your,” put an unnecessary “s” at the end of words like “stuff” to make it become “stuffs,” or do anything that’s downright atrocious and unattractive, others will seriously judge your ability to be a business person. They’re going to think that you’re attempting to appeal to the work-from-home American public by pushing Clickbank links to e-books, or something. It’s like walking down the street and having some foreigner ask “hey baddy…you want watch?” while holding a coat open.

That’s why you never make commissions – you don’t sound credible, and you didn’t take the time to proofread or check your grammar. If you know your English grammar isn’t so hot, why not target audiences in your native language, instead? There sure will be a hell of a lot less competition.

Scenario #2: The Squeeze Page of Infinity

This fad really needs to die and go to hell. You’ve seen the all too familiar “sales squeeze page.” It’s long…like, really, really long, filled with different variations of text sizes, from red and bold H1 down to plain old 11px. There are lots of “But Wait!”s, lots of “Today Only!”s, countdown timers that reset the next morning, “fade in” registration boxes, and tons of other wacky bullshit. If you actually have the nerve to scroll down about two miles, you’ll get to the false testimonials at the bottom of the page that talk about how wonderful and great this software/product is, and how many hundreds of dollars per month it has made everyday people like you and me (usually the quintessential “stay at home moms,” “just got back from Iraq” soldiers and old people who probably don’t know where the power button is on the computer, but somehow got to Google page 1 SERPs for major keyword terms).

Do squeeze pages work? Yes – if you do them right. If you have serious eCred for making a helpful, kick-ass app or plugin (like Mr. Agarwal who made Ninja Affiliate), they work…and you know the testimonials are 100% real. He even sends out an offer for a free gift here and there if you write him one. However, if you copy the same old formula that’s been used to oblivion (use Clickbank‘s vendors as your example: they are, after all, the internet capital of affiliate scams), then you can expect a bounce rate of epic proportions and a lot of disappointment. Make your squeeze page be completely transparent.

Nobody gives a crap about “persuasion talk,” they got plenty of that when they went to the car dealership. They want to see facts. Bullet points of what’s included. Screenshots, a video, and a demo. The price. That’s it.

Scenario #3: Forum Marketing Gone Wrong

The next-to-worst thing to a vBulletin spam bot are these morons who take the age old advice of “promote your sites on relevant blogs!!!1″ while doing so in the most laughable and ridiculous manner. In one post, they’ll be bitching about why they have been on Google AdSense for 6 months and haven’t made $3 yet, and elsewhere on the forum, they’ve just posted about how they “…make $500/month on AdSense…here’s how!” If you’re going to lie, at least be a good liar (not like anyone’s going to be checking up on your other posts, given how wonderful the first one probably was).

If you’re marketing on a forum, why not immerse yourself into the community for a little while? Participate, ask questions, and then sneak in a little promotion here and there. Don’t even say “find the best prices on…” Simply suggest the link. If someone wants to buy or click something – they will. Your overbearing suggestion and persuasion tactics will not increase those chances whatsoever — unless you are seen as an authority figure on the forum. If anything, you’ll dissuade others from clicking your links, for the simple fact that everyone starts their relationship with you by having their defensive barrier up.

The big picture here is to market your stuff with good taste. Spitting at people won’t make them pay more attention to you (well, maybe it will), but it will make them hate you. Marketing is psychology. Why not be a conversationalist instead of a pest? Get into someone’s head, see what makes them tick, and relate to them.

Offer suggestions toward external links, don’t put a cheap neon sign above them – it never works. Ever.